Identity Reframing: Pride and Shame as Powerful Means of Behavior Control

(by Kathrin Cohen, male management consultant and product manager, DreamLover Laboratories)

I have divided this essay in three parts. In the first part we will analyze some patterns of male behavior. In the second part we will discuss the psychological factors at play, to give you a deeper understanding. Finally in the third part I will present Identity Reframing as a powerful behavior altering tool.

Some male behavior patterns

Effects of public exposure on male psychology and training

Many women become interested in male training by witnessing their girlfriend's male behave in a lovable, completely deferential manner, in acceptance and respect of her femininity and authority. When they ask for an explanation, their friend is usually glad to describe her experiences with male training and obedience, and how she has learned to love his submission and its many benefits. Many times, a woman will be so excited during the first stages of her male's training that she will be unable to discuss anything else, and soon enough all her aquaintances will know. This is contributing to a large extent to the rapid spread of female governed households and circles.

Indeed it is highly therapeutic for a male to sit silently while his wife or girlfriend proudly discloses the most intimate details of his subordination, among the usual girlish giggles and laughter, as if showing off her latest brand purse.

The male is usually very tense when his subservience is being publicly discussed, especially when in the presence of other males. This is called "fear of being seen as pussy-whipped" (FOBSAPW). After the fact, however, many women notice a definite softening in their male's mannerism and behavior, which is quite pleasant. Though most women ignore the psychological mechanisms at play most intuitively understand that showing off their male's passivity enhances his behavior.

Interestingly, the tension vanishes after a male's condition has been exposed a few times before the same individuals. All is out in the open now, and he has nothing further to fear from the group. Suddenly, another type of behavior is observed, provided the woman keeps talking positively about his manners and progress. When FOBSAPW has subsided, males generally try to live up to the reputation you have created for them, and try to display their best behavior in front of guests. This sort of voluntary compliance is a primary objective in any type of male training.

Analysis

On pride and shame

Pride and shame are emotions that were engineered by nature with the sole purpose of allowing an individual to be alerted to sudden changes of status and popularity. Pride alerts one that one's popularity is on the rise; it is a pleasurable sensation because it indicates that one should repeat whatever one has done ("move towards"). Shame alerts one that one's popularity is declining; it is an unpleasant sensation because it indicates that the current behavior will be deleterious, hence one should cease this activity ("move away from").

Pride and shame can be real or imagined; it is possible to envision a particular situation and gauge whether this will result in pride or shame or neither. Again this is nature's way of allowing us to navigate the social landscape creating alliances and avoiding ostracism and isolation, an event which evolutionarily had a high rate of fatality.

Male training (as all animal training) is based on exploiting existing emotions, not changing them or blocking them, as this is never possible. Emotions allow us to interact directly with lower brain layers and bypass the rational mind. Controlling an animal's emotions means controlling its behavior.

Displaying a male's obedience: psycological effects

Making a display of a male's submission formalizes it by integrating it into a real social context. As in any social context many emotions kick in, including pride and shame. Although male submission is becoming increasingly popular, in most social settings it is still not customary to make an overt display of it. Therefore the first mechanism that will be triggered in the male's mind is anxiety. Anxiety will slowly turn into shame, because of FOBSAPW. Laughter and giggles, which signify that the object of anxiety has been singled out for attention and is being closely scrutinized, will also contribute to precipitating anxiety into shame.

It is common for males to become completely silent at this point, especially if it's their first time; your male may even "freeze" or become unresponsive. This is not a problem, because the real goal is not to obtain any cooperation on his part. The important point is that while your male is experiencing intense shame his subconscious mind will be totally occupied with the social consequences of his exposure. Therefore any other stimulus will be registered without any filtering.

The stimulus that a shamed male will absorb without any filtering in this case is his objectification. As his subconscious mind tries to process the ramifications of his exposure, he will be completely oblivious to the fact that he has become a mere object. An object of display, of curiosity; he is helpless - by actions or words - to change the focus and object of everyone's attention and remains there, silent and helpless, like a newborn child surrounded by curious and intrusive adults.

This results in a "loss of agency", that is, a situation in which he is no longer an agent in the world but a thing which is acted upon. The psychological effect of this loss of agency is a kind of identity change (from actor to object). The reason this effect is so intense is because this is not happening in an ordinary situation, in which the logical mind would retain a sense of agency and try to cope with the circumstances. Rather, it all occurs in the midst of a highly emotional (or at the very least socially sensitive and alert) state, which tags the experience as very relevant and promotes its integration at deep levels of the mind. This sudden change in the male's perceived role in the world (an object rather than an actor), together with a certain manifestation of the Stockholm Syndrome, explain why most women experience a pleasant afterglow of deference and affection from their males after they have taken them through a traumatic moment of anxiety by making their condition public.

I do not recommend interacting with your male during an exposure episode. Do not ask him to do things, nor request his opinion or a verbal confirmation of what you are saying. Remember: he is the object. Be completely oblivious of his presence as you disclose intimate details of his training and condition. His silence will be understood to imply agreement. Let the feeling sink in, and do not distract him. This is an intense moment for him, though you can't see it.

With regards to the "switch" that happens in the male once he has gotten used to being displayed in front of a certain group, it is interesting to note how one powerful emotion gives way to another. The male loses his fear (FOBSAPW) when his "pussy-whipped" status has been thoroughly exposed, understood and acknowledged. When this element of shame has been overcome, pride will take control, and the male will go to great lengths to live up to the reputation you have given him. It was shameful enough to be exposed as a servant. It could be even more humiliating to be later found to be a mediocre one!

Make him proud to serve

It goes without saying that, given the many beneficial effects, you should aim at letting everyone know about your male's obedience. Create a formidable reputation which he will be afraid of ruining by being rude or uppity. Present him as the most helpful, well mannered man you have ever met.

As the male learns to fight to preserve his reputation as the "most obedient", "most attentive" husband, or the "boyfriend who never ever talks back to you", something important will happen. The male will begin to associate his sense of pride to the quality of his service, which is key to long-lasting obedience.

As you reveal your male's subordinate role, you should not be afraid of embarrassing him. He must confront his fears and come to terms with the reality of his condition in order for Identity Reframing to happen. Although there is no harm in inflicting on your male a very high degree of humiliation (in fact, it is often recommended), you should never talk about his submission in terms which may be regarded as derogatory or diminishing of his status. This would be against training principles, because the male would register submission as a negative trait and try to avoid it, or at least hide it in public. Instead, make it clear to your male that his submission is bettering him and is something to be proud of.

Chivalry

You must always associate servitude to positive qualities and imagery if you wish to promote willful participation. Fortunately, this is very easy to do; in fact, women have been working on this for a very long time. Not too long ago concepts such as "chivalry", "ladies first" and "a true gentleman" were seen as manly ideals. Even feared and respected males were proud to exhibit behavior which was overtly submissive towards females. For example, bending forward and kissing a woman's hand as a salutation. Or removing clothes and laying them on the wet ground for their damsel to trample, for her convenience and hygiene as she passed through a puddle. The Italian saying "women should not be touched, not even with a flower" encapsulates the complete immunity we enjoyed, whatever we might do.

Unfortunately modern feminism has misinterpreted these social customs as projecting female weakness, and has sought to eradicate them. Nevertheless, chivalrous reverence to women was so entrenched in western society that its principles still resonate strongly. For example, face slapping is still accepted passively by most males, to the extent that if a male is slapped for no reason he will generally not protest but rather enter deep reflection, convinced that he must have done something wrong.

It is to be noted that in the old times, when these social norms were well known and respected, any male trying to physically revolt against his wife or fiancee would promptly be confronted by some other unknown male, eager to show off his valor by subduing the male for her, kissing her hand in a kneeling gesture, and giving her his name - ready to intervene again should any further corrective help be necessary. He would then part with a smile on his face, proud to have served an unknown damsel. Sometimes a helpful stranger might even neglect revealing their name on purpose, to underline the fact that his service had no ulterior motive. Male subservience was common-place, and it was not odd for someone encountering a damsel to introduce himself by explicitly stating "I am your servant".

Though concepts of chivalry are by some considered obsolete, they still resonate strongly with most males. Males are often used to being told that they should not open doors for a lady, that bringing flowers is silly, and so forth. But being found at fault for not observing this type of rule still triggers a feeling of inadequacy - it instinctively rings true to them that they should have done something corteous and they didn't.

Trance words

For these reasons, it will not be difficult to train your male to live up to the standards your grand-grandmother enjoyed. For this you must use trance words, words that are loaded with meaning and associated to countless images from television and literature. These words are weapons that were used by generations of women before you, and will teach your male to associate great pride with his service and submission.

• Gentleman
• Chivalrous
• Valiant
• Knight
• Caring
• Polite
• Well-mannered
• High class
• Refined
• Ideal
• Sweet
• There for me / always there / there when I need him
• Any superlative associated with a service word (the most helpful, the sweetest, etc)

If you wish to find more trance words, simply open a romantic novel written in the distant past and you will notice the mannerism and trance words used by damsels to conquer strong, powerful males. You will also notice the pervasive connection of romance and courtship to male self-sacrifice and servitude.

Identity reframing

Chivalrous trance words and public discussion of a male's subordination are two examples of the same technique, which I call "identity reframing" (IR). Put simply, IR involves focusing a male's training not on his immediate actions (Forced Subjugation), nor on his immediate will to comply (Willful Participation), but on his actual self-image. Let's look at IR in detail.

First a word on cognitive dissonance. This occurs when a person does something that is not in line with their beliefs or self-image. It constitutes a threat to the mind's internal coherence, so nature has evolved mechanisms to avoid it at all costs. Normally, if you ask a person who has a certain conviction to do something not in line with that conviction, they will refuse. For instance, try asking a male who likes to be seen as "macho" to do something too sensitive, such as keeping a small pet or a plant, or write poetry, or open doors for his woman. This type of male will normally refuse to do anything that lowers his perceived strength, because he sees himself as strong, and for sake of internal consistency he must avoid doing things that could be seen as weak.

This mechanism is especially powerful if you are asking a person to violate an area in which he feels great pride. A male who is naturally strong may not resent doing something that could make him appear weak. But one who associates his self worth to being strong needs to protect his image at any cost.

Harnessing cognitive dissonance

How is this helpful to us? Simply, it allows us to act directly to reshape a male's self-image, bypassing traditional training methods; when his self-image has become that of a subservient, chivalrous gentleman all his actions will be coherent with this self image, much like the unknown stranger offering help to the unknown damsel.

There are many reasons why I believe it is preferable to try to act on a male's self-image. First, if you are to get long-lasting compliance a male's self-image needs to change, period. Many women who practice willful participation actually end up making great changes to a male's self-image, and this is partly the reason why that type of training is so effective. Acting directly on a male's self-image can, depending on circumstances, save much training time. The second reason why I like to work on a male's self-image is that his defenses are much lower in that area. No male expects you to deliberately try to change his self image. After all, all his subsequent actions will be self-directed and require no intervention from you. He will never suspect that you have been "customizing" the mental mechanisms that are making all the decisions for him. Whether you emphasize ordinary willful participation or identity reframing, changing a male's self-image is key to enduring submission and high quality service.

Connection between the patterns and IR

With this knowledge under your belt, we are now able to look at the patterns presented at the beginning and easily identify them as instances of Identity Reframing aimed at modifying the male's self-image.

Trance-words alter a male's self-image by finding in him positive attributes - which he will readily identify with - and associating these attributes to a desired behavior. Public exposure allows you to talk about his high degree of subordination in very positive terms in front of others; the male is objectified and loses agency, and eventually tries to live up to his new reputation. In either case, you are sending a clear message to your male's subconscious that:

• Serving females is good
• Everyone thinks so
• You love him for it
• People expect it of him
• He's good at it
• So he should be very proud of it.