Identity Reframing: Pride and Shame as Powerful Means of Behavior Control

(by Kathrin Cohen, male management consultant for DreamLover Laboratories)

I have divided this essay in three parts. In the first part we will analyze some patterns of male behavior. In the second part we will discuss the psychological factors at play, to give you a deeper understanding. Finally in the third part I will present Identity Reframing as a powerful behavior altering tool.

Some male behavior patterns

Effects of public exposure on male psychology and training

Many women become interested in male training by witnessing their girlfriend's male behave in a lovable, completely deferential manner, in acceptance and respect of her femininity and authority. When they ask for an explanation, their friend is usually glad to describe her experiences with male training and obedience, and how she has learned to love his submission and its many benefits. Many times, a woman will be so excited during the first stages of her male's training that she will be unable to discuss anything else, and soon enough all her acquaintances will know. This is contributing to a large extent to the rapid spread of female governed households and circles.

Indeed it is highly therapeutic for a male to sit silently while his wife or girlfriend proudly discloses the most intimate details of his subordination, among the usual girlish giggles and laughter, as if showing off her latest brand purse.

The male is usually very tense when his subservience is being publicly discussed, especially when in the presence of other males. This is called "fear of being seen as pussy-whipped" (FOBSAPW). After the fact, however, many women notice a definite softening in their male's mannerism and behavior, which is quite pleasant. Though most women ignore the psychological mechanisms at play most intuitively understand that showing off their male's passivity enhances his behavior.

Interestingly, the tension vanishes after a male's condition has been exposed a few times before the same individuals. All is out in the open now, and he has nothing further to fear from the group. Suddenly, another type of behavior is observed, provided the woman keeps talking positively about his manners and progress. When FOBSAPW has subsided, males generally try to live up to the reputation you have created for them, and try to display their best behavior in front of guests. This sort of voluntary compliance is a primary objective in any type of male training.


On pride and shame

Pride and shame are emotions that were engineered by nature with the sole purpose of allowing an individual to be alerted to sudden changes of status and popularity. Pride alerts one that one's popularity is on the rise; it is a pleasurable sensation because it indicates that one should repeat whatever one has done ("move towards"). Shame alerts one that one's popularity is declining; it is an unpleasant sensation because it indicates that the current behavior will be deleterious, hence one should cease this activity ("move away from").

Pride and shame can be real or imagined; it is possible to envision a particular situation and gauge whether this will result in pride or shame or neither. Again this is nature's way of allowing us to navigate the social landscape creating alliances and avoiding ostracism and isolation, an event which evolutionarily had a high rate of fatality.

Male training (as all animal training) is based on exploiting existing emotions, not changing them or blocking them, as this is never possible. Emotions allow us to interact directly with lower brain layers and bypass the rational mind. Controlling an animal's emotions means controlling its behavior.

Displaying a male's obedience: psychological effects

Making a display of a male's submission formalizes it by integrating it into a real social context. As in any social context many emotions kick in, including pride and shame. Although male submission is becoming increasingly popular, in most social settings it is still not customary to make an overt display of it. Therefore the first mechanism that will be triggered in the male's mind is anxiety. Anxiety will slowly turn into shame, because of FOBSAPW. Laughter and giggles, which signify that the object of anxiety has been singled out for attention and is being closely scrutinized, will also contribute to precipitating anxiety into shame.

It is common for males to become completely silent at this point, especially if it's their first time; your male may even "freeze" or become unresponsive. This is not a problem, because the real goal is not to obtain any cooperation on his part. The important point is that while your male is experiencing intense shame his subconscious mind will be totally occupied with the social consequences of his exposure. Therefore any other stimulus will be registered without any filtering.

The stimulus that a shamed male will absorb without any filtering in this case is his objectification. As his subconscious mind tries to process the ramifications of his exposure, he will be completely oblivious to the fact that he has become a mere object. An object of display, of curiosity; he is helpless - by actions or words - to change the focus and object of everyone's attention and remains there, silent and helpless, like a newborn child surrounded by curious and intrusive adults.

This results in a "loss of agency", that is, a situation in which he is no longer an agent in the world but a thing which is acted upon. The psychological effect of this loss of agency is a kind of identity change (from actor to object). The reason this effect is so intense is because this is not happening in an ordinary situation, in which the logical mind would retain a sense of agency and try to cope with the circumstances. Rather, it all occurs in the midst of a highly emotional (or at the very least socially sensitive and alert) state, which tags the experience as very relevant and promotes its integration at deep levels of the mind. This sudden change in the male's perceived role in the world (an object rather than an actor), together with a certain manifestation of the Stockholm Syndrome, explain why most women experience a pleasant afterglow of deference and affection from their males after they have taken them through a traumatic moment of anxiety by making their condition public.

"The male loses his fear when his "pussy-whipped" status has been thoroughly exposed, understood and acknowledged"

I do not recommend interacting with your male during an exposure episode. Do not ask him to do things, nor request his opinion or a verbal confirmation of what you are saying. Remember: he is the object. Be completely oblivious of his presence as you disclose intimate details of his training and condition. His silence will be understood to imply agreement. Let the feeling sink in, and do not distract him. This is an intense moment for him, though you can't see it.

With regards to the "switch" that happens in the male once he has gotten used to being displayed in front of a certain group, it is interesting to note how one powerful emotion gives way to another. The male loses his fear (FOBSAPW) when his "pussy-whipped" status has been thoroughly exposed, understood and acknowledged. When this element of shame has been overcome, pride will take control, and the male will go to great lengths to live up to the reputation you have given him. It was shameful enough to be exposed as a servant. It could be even more humiliating to be later found to be a mediocre one!

Make him proud to serve

It goes without saying that, given the many beneficial effects, you should aim at letting everyone know about your male's obedience. Create a formidable reputation which he will be afraid of ruining by being rude or uppity. Present him as the most helpful, well mannered man you have ever met.

As the male learns to fight to preserve his reputation as the "most obedient", "most attentive" husband, or the "boyfriend who never ever talks back to you", something important will happen. The male will begin to associate his sense of pride to the quality of his service, which is key to long-lasting obedience.

As you reveal your male's subordinate role, you should not be afraid of embarrassing him. He must confront his fears and come to terms with the reality of his condition in order for Identity Reframing to happen. Although there is no harm in inflicting on your male a very high degree of humiliation (in fact, it is often recommended), you should never talk about his submission in terms which may be regarded as derogatory or diminishing of his status. This would be against training principles, because the male would register submission as a negative trait and try to avoid it, or at least hide it in public. Instead, make it clear to your male that his submission is bettering him and is something to be proud of.

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